so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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