Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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