I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
We are two peas in an std pod
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
