Sober January is a disaster.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
