Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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