Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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