I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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