dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
