I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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