um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
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Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
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To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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