I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
