I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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