My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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