this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
