I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
