i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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