Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
