He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
