me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
