anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
