I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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