Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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