You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
