shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
