You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
