Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
