I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
