I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
