ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
