If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
