I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
