so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
