I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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