i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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