There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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