Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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