I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He felt like a one man threesome
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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