thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
