There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Success! We fucked roommates!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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