Who wears a wallet chain?!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
