I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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