you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
