I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
