Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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