god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize