Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
