Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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