what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
