My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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