it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
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the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
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Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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