can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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