At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
