my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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