Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
