this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
